Tag Archives: Fat

You’re either on the bus or you’re off the bus.

9 Apr

Since Ive gained a shitload of weight in the last 8 months shopping for clothes has obviously gone out the window.  Along with cute shoes, mobility, and seeing my feet.  Will I recognize them in 2 months?!  So in order to get my fix Ive taken to “window shopping” online.  Since we live out in the boonies there are no stores except the local supermarket.  Here you can find food, obviously, along with an assortment of (junky) beach accessories, imitation Ray Bans (5euro!), cheap flip flops and the like.  These all come in handy here when the temperature starts rising, but don’t cater to my less country more urban approach to dressing.  I guess this is all well and fine considering I am not the size of a normal person anymore (sigh).  When people ask me how many months I am I usually like to answer with a guess of about 12 or 13.  It certainly feels like it.

As luck would have it there is certainly no shortage of cute spring clothes this season.  Why couldn’t I be pregnant when that whole 80’s revival (yuck!) thing happened? Wouldn’t have missed much there.  I guess by the time I am back to regular proportions this stuff will be on sale! Who doesn’t love a sale!

I was trying to describe the feeling of being pregnant (at this late stage) to a non-pregnant friend of mine.  I looked at her and said:

remember the old buses here (greece) from the 70’s that were still in use about 10 years ago?  Manual transmission, terrible gas mileage, no AC, trails of black fumes escaping from the rear, clunky creaky behemoths?

She:  Yes I remember those.

Me: That’s me.

She:  Oh c’mon.  You don’t look…..

Me:  Wait.  Have you seen the 2012 Porsche Boxster?

She:  It’s pretty hot!

Me:  That’s my husband!

And that my friends is what it feels like to be 8 months pregnant.

This is me 8 months pregnant!

This is me 8 months pregnant!

My sexy husband!

My sexy husband!

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Getting Fat is Fun!

28 Jan

I’m halfway through this whole pregnancy thing and so far it hasn’t been too terrible.  I had no morning sickness so that was a bonus.  This was pointed out to me by the stink eye I tried to avoid from many women before me who suffered terrible bouts of nausea and wretchedness.  Besides the immediate de-tox I put my body through I think I handled it pretty well.  Imagine quitting smoking, drinking, binge drinking, heavy abuse of caffeine and mild abuse of prescription drugs all at once.  Not to mention soft cheeses, cured meats and skinny jeans.  It was definitely a time of shock and re-evaluation.  Am I ready for this?  Not parenthood and all its messiness, but am I ready to go on the sobriety test of a lifetime?!  How do sober people cope?  Life just gets a bit more interesting with a few cocktails.  Am I wrong?!

I spent the first few months pretty bored.  Wondering what everyone else was doing on their Friday night while me and Mr. Mallios (or is it Mr. Mallios and I?) hunkered down in our nest watching another movie.  Good thing the weather was awful.  Gee, what a surprise in Chicago.  It made staying in more of a pleasure than a necessity.  I (begrudgingly) abandoned all thoughts of going shopping for any clothes without elastic waistbands and bras that didn’t look like something my grandmother would wear.  Don’t get me started on the new undies I purchased.   I think I must’ve started showing early on due to the fact that I hadn’t had a satisfying bowel movement for about the first two months!  No one tells you about that do they.  One word ACTIVIA!  My distended belly made all one pair of pants I brought with me (wtf was I thinking!) uncomfortable and so I started wearing maternity jeans pretty much right away.  Mr. Mallios, with a smile, told me I was over reacting.  So what’s new?! I couldn’t bring myself (and still have a hard time) to don a pair of leggings.  I know, I know they’ve made a fashion-y sort of come back recently.  Must be part of that whole 80’s nostalgia thing (no thanks!).  I mean I grew up in the 80’s and I can say that there couldn’t have been a more ugly time in the history of clothes than then.  But I guess at some point when I was in transit from one out post to the next looking like an urban dork became the cool thing to do. Whatever makes you happy I s’pose.  Besides I spent years trying to get as far away from my “akward stage” as possible, why run right back into the arms of the enemy?  Yea, so leggings.  Not my preferred choice of clothes.  Sure they are comfortable especially when you are pregnant but when you start to refer to the crack in your rear end as the Grand Canyon, maybe accentuating this area isn’t going to help with your self esteem.  As i enjoy the last bite of my freshly baked tiropita (cheese pie).  Good god I’m turning into a monster.

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