Tag Archives: penis gourds

Does this baby make me look fat?

26 Mar

Yesterday was a holiday here.  I’m not sure which one because I am a bad Greek and because I don’t really care.  Some kind of Independence Day, but I was informed there is no Independence Day here.  Hmmm?  Nevertheless, it seemed like everyone in town (all 200 of us..just kidding!) were out and about enjoying the day.  Strong winds from the south were dominating the forecast bringing in lots of dust and sand (from Africa? How exotic!) and also pleasantly warm temperatures.  The dust clouds are not what your mind is probably conjuring up.  No Tasmanian devil type of clouds or Iraqi sandstorms with a mouth full of dirt and a side order of zero visibility.  Nothing quite that dramatic.  Just a gradual overcasting of the sky giving it an eerie Midwestern summer rain quality to it.  But we are not in the Midwest I was quickly reminded, by the towering mountains and the beautiful sea, dancing passionately with the wind.  The snow on the mountain tops, so lush and pronounced when I arrived, has begun to disappear back into the atmosphere.  I guess we have made it through another winter with our sanity intact!

Back to the holiday.  I met a friend for coffee at a local hot spot otherwise know as Haagen Daaz, everyone’s favorite ice cream.  It was packed to the gills with people enjoying a day off from the grind.  Everyone was drinking coffee and no one was eating ice cream.  My kind of place!  There were lots of families crowded around small tables laughing and having a good time.  Everyone, with the exception of myself and the children under the age of 13, was smoking up a storm!  Holy sheet!  While I was waiting on my friend to arrive the waitress came over to take my order and asked me if I needed an ashtray.  I’m not delusional (at least I don’t think I am) I look pretty damn big.  I have a watermelon (a big one) underneath my shirt not to mention an extra 30 pounds or so enveloping my chest (finally some cleavage!), upper arms (wtf?), thighs & ass (gee what a surprise).  Last night I had a dream that I grew a pretty healthy beard due to the fact that I was getting so heavy and my hormones were getting out of control.  Maybe I’ve been watching too much Family Fat Doctor and gastric bypass stories.  In any case I woke up sweating and had to go look in the mirror just to be sure.  I swear the mind plays tricks on itself during pregnancy.   I declined the ashtray but appreciated the gesture.  One can never be sure.  Besides it’s not polite to make assumptions.

This got me to thinking about attitudes towards pregnancy in different cultures.  Greece is not so wildly different than the US in many aspects.  We are still in a modern, 1st world, western country (at least that’s what they tell us but sometimes I’m not so sure)  If you took a snapshot of life here and you compared it to one from the US, the only difference might be that one is analog and the other digital.  My point is is that we aren’t living in mud huts, wearing penis gourds and gathering around a sacrificed virgin to pray to the gods.  This might be happening further up in the  mountains though, I can not say for sure.  But there are definitely different approaches to what is and is not OK to do while pregnant.  I’m curious as to what these differences are in other countries as well, readers I’d love to hear your comments.  Is anyone in fact reading this besides my mom? Hi mom! Cant wait to see you!  My favorite, and possibly the most striking example of a difference, is the following:

I have heard from numerous women that their doctors have told them it was OK to smoke while they were pregnant. Just to keep the number of cigs down to about 3 a day.  I always laugh when I hear this.  (I really have to disagree with that advice, but I’m not a doctor am I? )  I only wish that was the kind of crap a doctor said to me when I was justifying smoking my 23rd cigarette of the day.  The reasoning behind it is that it is better to be in a calm relaxed state than in an anxious one, which many people are when they can not smoke.  I just can’t picture any American doctor dishing out this “age old” wisdom to a woman.  A yoga class, some mediation, a hot bath, a stroll around the park. Shit, lets get crazy and throw in some retail therapy while were at it.  All healthy activities in which one may try to achieve a relaxed state.  It’s not my place to judge now is it.  But I do feel ahead of the game for having cold turkey-ed the cigs the day I found out I was going to turn into a big fat blimp.  I wonder though, if smoking is so bad for our health (and we all know it is) and we are encouraged to quit (even here in Greece!)  why would it not be harmful for a growing and developing fetus?  I’m just not sure I follow.

Just for a little comparison:

Before I left for Greece I agonized over whether I should take a  Xanax on the plane, (just a half of a half of a half I swear) I Googled the hell out of that and got a wide range of opinions.  I thought well my backup can be a glass of wine.  FYI I don’t LOVE to fly and that trans-Atlantic is a bitch!  I decided to call the doctor and get the 411.  His answer:  Do not take a Xanax and do not have a glass of wine.  Pretty cut and dry there.  No wiggle room at all.  No concern for the mother’s state of relaxation in that response.  I did have a glass of wine about an hour into the flight due to some (heavy-ish) turbulence and just felt nauseous and then guilty for the next 8 hours.  Gee what a blast!

My point, if I even have one, is that there really is no cut and dry way to  be pregnant.  Just keep that bun roasting in its cozy little oven for 9 (really 10) months and keep your fingers crossed!

 

Obviously she's NOT pregnant!

Obviously she’s NOT pregnant!